A Mind is a terrible thing to waste!

You know, I marvel at the crap that my mind throws at me some days. Big old curve balls that seemingly come out of nowhere.

My goal here is to get healthy, lose weight and hopefully have enough strength and endurance to some day do jumping jacks for at least 1 minute consecutively! Did you think I was going to say run a marathon? Hell no, I just want to master the art of jumping rope with out smacking myself to death with the darn thing AND maybe, just maybe skip around the track 1 whole time.

I know, I know, they're lofty aspirations but good Lord the desire is there.

OK, back to my twisted little brain for a moment...

Before starting this program I had stopped exercising almost completely. In other words I was walking MAYBE 2 times a month. In the "Win to Lose" program I joined, I am doing 2 very sweaty and challenging bootcamps a week as well as 2 extra cardio workout and 1 weight training work out.

Now let me just say that at a minimum I'm getting in 4 workouts a week. That's fantastic and yet because I didn't get the 5th workout in the little voice in my head is literally chanting "This is never going to happen!" "You'll never get to your goal weight" etc. etc. Ugh, it's exhausting!

Now here's the truth. I can't help but lose weight and get in shape with the amount of working out that I'm doing. It's impossible not to!

So here's a little message for my brain..."I love you and you're wrong!" "Not only is this going to happen, it's HAPPENING!" YESSSSSSSSSSSS! I am a force to be reckoned with baby! I am an amazing manifester. I can create anything in my life and right now I choose to create a beautiful and healthy Linda.

It's no secret that I want my boyfriend to see me as beautiful, with a beautiful bod and more importantly be really proud of me and my accomplishments. But more importantly, I want to feel those things for myself as well.

I have carried around certain sayings, here's one I try to live by:

"You become esteemable when you commit esteemable acts"

This encapsulates what I am DOING for myself right now. I am loving myself into a new way of being! I am growing mentally, emoitionally and spiritually into me, the authentic me that has been there all the time but whom I've been too fearful of allowing out of the shadows.

Hush my little brain.

Welcome Home Linda!

The big weigh in!

OK, so I'm off to work in a few minutes but today is a noteworthy day because it was the first official weigh in for my "Lose to Win" program.

My trainer suggested that I weigh in last week just to see where I'm at and buck nekked I had lost 3.8 pounds. Fully clothes today I had "offically" lost 4 lbs. but I do prefer the naked in the morning weigh in which is now a whopping 5.2 lbs.!

WooHoo!

Listen I had a girlfriend in over the weekend and although we ate vegetarian, we had vegetarian chocolate cake and enough trial mix to choke on, so the fact that I lost anything is a coupe for me.

And interestingly enough, my drive to be able to skip around the track and jumprope like a pro are much greater than my desire for big number weight loss. There is a balance here and I'm sure it will all find it's place but for right now, I am proud of my accomplishments.

OK, maybe not the jumproping or jumping jacks but that is a yet for me.

Who knew when I started this that I'd actually be considering buyin a jump rope so I could practice my skills!?

Huh!

Wonders never cease.

Watch out world, I'm on a roll.

Cleaning House

Life is busy. This has been my excuse for many things. Why the house is a mess, why I'm habitually late and why my body has fallen in to its state of disrepair.

I am not proud of this nor is it a character defect I advertise BUT most people who know me, already know my sick little secret. I'm busy!

The blanket "busy" keeps me from being in contact with the people I love because by the end of my day I'm just too tired to make an effort. Ouch.

The thing with making the choice to move into a new space physically, emotionally and spiritually is that your character defects (or to put it a gentler way) the things you do that used to work but don't anymore, are flashing like a neon sign all day and all night long in front of my face. I may try to close my eyes and shut it off but neon is very bright. It will not be ignored.

So the only choice for me really, is to move forward...to grow. There's a 4 letter word!

I begin to notice that there are things that have thus far occupied an enormous space in my life that simply must go now. Clutter. Not just the physical clutter but the clutter in my busy little brain.

You may be asking what any of this has to do with weight loss and getting fit? My answer to you is everything.

I was told once that to make a life change it requires us to take drastic measures and change our play friends, play ground and play things. Harsh but true.

I can no longer afford a cluttered mind or messy home because that creates LACK in me. And if I was truly, truly honest with you i would admit to having a rich, full, abundant and beautiful life. Therefor LACK is completely contrary to how I live and what I am achieving.

LACK is a nasty little varmint that picks at my wounds and confirms every ill thought I have of myself and after not only sinking to those depths but residing there for a very long time, what is left but to open a bag of chips and cry in my proverbial beer?

There is a saying that goes like this:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk that it took to blossom"

Just for today I choose to be mindful of who I really am and not get caught up in the layer that currently covers me.

Just for today, I remember all the blessings in my life.

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine"

The quiet whisper of the scale.

Today marks one complete week and 3 complete work outs in my "Win to Lose" program.

I am happy to report that while I sweat like I have never sweat before, I kept up and even surpassed some of the personal goals I was holding for myself!

As you may recall, the first day we were instructed to run 3 laps around the track. I barely made it around twice. On Tuesday we were instructed to run 4 laps around the track and I quietly paced myself and decided I was doing this for me, that I really wanted to make it around 4 times. And I did! Not only that but I made it around 2 additional times later in the workout while holding a 2 lb. weighted ball. How much of a rockstar am I anyway!?

I am grateful for this program and for this blog. Both enable me to work through some lifetime issues and feel confident (for the 1st time) about getting to the other side of this.

My team was asked to keep food journals and like a 4 yr. old child with their lip sticking out in the mother of all pouts, I have refused to do this. I hate food journals and I know that this is not a habit that I am going to keep, so why bother!?

Wow, that really DOES sound like a pout, doesn't it? I'm ok with that.

It bears mentioning that while I have chosen not to do the journaling I have been very mindful of the food I put in my body and the water I am drinking etc..

One of my teammates said on Tuesday that she felt her pants were a little looser and immediately thought "I better start eating!" It was a defining moment for me because I realized I have similar thoughts. The gift here is that I can pause long enough to look those thoughts over and choose whether I really want to head down that path today or not. Today, right now, I choose not to go there.

When I walked in today and on Tuesday I tip toed past the scale which I noticed is calling my name..."Hey Linda! Come on over. Step up girl. You can do it! Just this once...nobody'll know." Aaarghhh.

Here's the deal. I'm doing really well and feeling pretty good about myself. I am SO fearful of getting on the scale because the minute I see that number I may make that more important the mental weight I am dropping. Does that make sense?

Sure, I want to lose weight, I want to very badly. But nothing is ever going to change with me if I don't make a mental shift first. What is that saying? "Bring the mind and the body will follow".

I asked my trainer what she thought and she suggested weighing in once a week to keep on track and honest. It makes sense but I think I'm going to wait another week and give my body a chance to catch up with all that's going on.

In the meantime, I will ignore the seductive murmurings of the scale and shift my energy to blocking out the equally inviting pull of the potato chips!

Sigh. my work is never done!

Have a lovely day.

The Before picture and a few other thoughts.

When I began this journey, I made the commitment to be honest and forthright. I acknowledged the importance of sharing and have had a few "Ah ha!" moments since then.

If I were to adhere to the list that I mentioned in my previous post, specifically "No shame, no guilt, no comparison...OK forget that, let's just say the ENTIRE list, then I cannot afford to post my "before" picture.

The moment I look at my before picture all rationality goes out the window. The part of me that knows that I am not fat suddenly changes her mind and decides that I probably shouldn't be seen in public!

It doesn't make sense and I have been forbidden to ask "why" so I come back to this small thing of loving myself.

I think this is the place where I pause and take a deep breath. This is the place where I acknowledge what a lovely thing it is that I am doing for myself. Just me.

This may be the place where I ask myself what my goals are and most importantly how I can find pleasure in this moment and the ones to come. My journey can be as beautiful or as filled will angst as I choose. How kooky is that!?

I think, for a change I am choosing joy. I am choosing to not post a picture that will drag me down to the gutter. Not because of how it REALLY looks but because of how I perceive myself to look. If I find down the road that it would benefit me and others, then I will post the infamous before photo.

For now, I think I will try to skip down this path of happy destiny instead of trudge.

It was my 49th birthday yesterday and it was just lovely. I want to publicly acknowledge my beautiful boyfriend Dan who pulled out all the stops and made it incredibly special for me. Thanks Babe, you are my heart. I love you!

The Morning After...

Yesterday was my first team workout for my "Lose to Win" program. We met on the track at 5:30 a.m. and from 5:31 a.m. until 6:30 a.m. my butt was officially kicked!

It's one thing to mentally commit to a program like this and quite another for the physical reality of this type of undertaking to sink in.

Let me mention that I have had 3 trainers over the past 5-6 years and working with them did not touch nor prepare me for this experience.

I did what was asked of me and didn't complain. The first thing my trainer had us do was run 3 laps around the indoor track. I thought "No problem!" but well guess what? It was a problem. After the first lap I was really struggling and after the first set of exercises following the laps I looked at the clock thinking that we must surely have only about 1/2 an hour remaining and we had only just begun.

Getting through this first workout was a spiritual challenge for me. It took everything I had NOT to berate myself. A slough of incredibly unkind thoughts about myself and my current physical condition stomped through my brain the entire hour and it was excruciating.

I have a wonderful counselor that I talk to once a month who gave me this list. It has to do with releasing destructive patterns from your life and your past and growing into a new and positive space. Here is what he told me:

1. No Shame
2. No Blame
3. No Guilt
4. No Judgement
5. No Comparison
6. No more questions such as "Why me?"

So imagine if you will Linda doing lunges with her group around the indoor track. My brain is screaming obsenities at me and I am chanting the list above. I look up and my trainer is standing off to the sidelines and I say "It's never going to be harder than this, right?" and she says in a very kind and loving voice "That's right, it's NEVER going to be harder than this!"

I was overwhelmed. I cried and yet I did not stop doing those flipping lunges nor did I stop skipping or running stairs or stop any of the other exercises that we were given yesterday.

I will be honest and admit that the over achiever in me REALLY wanted to be at the front of the line instead of the back. But I acknowledge the pure brilliance of staying in that line no matter my position and seeing it through to the end of the workout.

I chanted" I can do this!" and finally and joyfully chanted "I DID IT!"

So this was the beginning and it wasn't pretty. But was it suppose to be?

The impact of what I have ahead of me is daunting but you know what? I'm an incredibly strong and brave woman. I have been through many upsets and challenges in my life and I have always found a rainbow on the other side of every one of my life experiences!

This rainbow is off in the distance but I can see a glimmer on the horizon and that gives me great hope.

I'm a rockstar!

A day of hope and the dawn of a new era

I am awe struck when I think of all of the historic changes and evolution I have seen in my lifetime.

Today is the kind of day that when looking back you will ask "What were you doing the day that Barack Obama was sworn in as our 44th President of the United States?" And I will say:

"I was was in the waiting room of a doctors office in Northbrook, Illinois. The staff had a radio broadcasting the inaugaration and myself and one other woman were quietly listen to Yo Yo Ma and Itzak Perlman play together."

It was indescribably beautiful.

The woman, whom I had never seen before looked at me and said "It's a big day." I said "It is!" and we both started crying. It was one of the more profound moments in my life.

We talked quietly about hope and the dawn of a new era.

This will now become a piece of my history. This precious little vignette that I shared with a total stranger.